What to do for Mom of a lost child on Mother's Day

​SOME THOUGHTFUL ACTS CAN MAKE THIS TIME A LITTLE LESS PAINFUL.

By: Robbie Miller Kaplan

2 years ago

Holidays that focus on parents are a particularly difficult time when you have lost a child. What does a mother do on Mother's Day if she is a bereaved mom? Even if she has surviving children, a day devoted to mothers only heightens her sense of isolation and loss.

While it is impossible to know how a bereaved mom will feel, trust that the day will be hard, no matter how fresh or long ago the loss. Nothing can relieve this heartbreaking hurt, but there are thoughtful things you can do to make this time less painful. The simplest things mean the most — find a way to acknowledge her and her deceased child.

• Purchase a beautiful card: blank inside, or a thinking-of-you card. Write a message, beginning your note by acknowledging that this is a hard day. Let the mom know that you are thinking of her, her family, and dear baby/son/daughter by name and express your care or love for them.

What if the loss is recent? The death of a child is a devastating loss and a life-changing event. It's hard to know what to say to comfort parents in the depth of their grief. Friends and loved ones may think the parents know best what they need, so they might ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. The sentiment is sincere, but in practice, asking "Please call me" places a burden on someone grieving a loss — someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

I asked bereaved parents to share what actually helps and what hurts. Here's what they'd like you to know:

Thoughtful gestures will help a grieving mom feel that both she and her child are not forgotten. And remembrance, after all, is the true spirit of Mother's Day.

Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who has lost two children. She has written "How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say," a series of guides to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss, now available as e-books for "Illness & Death," "Suicide," "Miscarriage," "Death of a Child," "Death of a Stillborn or Newborn Baby," "Pet Loss," "Caregiver Responsibilities," "Divorce" and "Job Loss."